Animal Portraits

Renton may have been born into the Reynard family but he wanted nothing to do with them or their terrible “Family Business.” As a cub he discovered a natural talent for dancing and while his brothers and sisters were taking after their parents, becoming generally unlikable violent creatures, Renton was dancing up a storm.

His older brother Wiley picked on him relentlessly until he discovered that just because Renton didn’t embrace the family’s violent nature did not mean he didn’t have it in him. Wiley is reminded of his brother’s capabilities each day when he looks in the mirror and sees his missing ear.

Renton dropped his last name when he started dancing professionally but pretty much everyone knows who he is. His career certainly didn’t suffer from his connections. In fact everyone pretty much lined up to make way for the young fox; fearful of any retribution that might be leveled at them should they not help him fulfill his dreams.

Audiences don’t care that Renton comes from a violent family, his dancing is magical, hypnotic, and gorgeous. And those are just the reviews in the newspapers!

When Christine Woodly threatened to jump off that dam after Clay left her for a younger beaver Renton danced for her and calmed her down, saving her life. Well, until she took all those sleeping pills… 

Renton’s likes include dance, dancing, studying dance, watching animals dance and toast. Its the perfect food!

His dislikes include his brother Wiley, bullies, the “Family Business” and Margaret Pots and her idiotic reviews. What does a skunk know about dance anyways?!

Squeaks wasn’t always called Squeaks. He was born Ronald MacKenzie but his parents called him Ronny, which later morphed into Runny because he was always running around like a psycho. This behavior all started when he and his siblings discovered a bootleg stash of maple syrup while playing capture the flag out behind Trevor Pinkerton’s property.

Like any cool discovery this made the MacKenzie children feel like pirates or smugglers and their play began to reflect their new sense of power. Rather than risk being caught out behind Trevor’s property they moved the entire stash to a secret location.

The unfortunate thing about cool discoveries is that they usually belong to someone! And although no one knows for sure who this particular stash belonged to, Johnny Two Toes roughed up a few folks in town in an effort to recover some missing goods.

On Squeak's 21st birthday he got a little too drunk and confessed to everyone at the Red Barn that he had found a supply of maple syrup several years ago. The next morning he was found in a ditch with a broken hand. Coincidence or payback?

No one really knows because Squeaks hasn’t spoken a word since and instead just makes weak squeaking noises. Oddly enough a couple of Canadian tough guys showed up a week later and Squeak’s siblings said their long hidden stash of syrup disappeared.

Squeaks likes include Maple Syrup, feeling like a tough guy and working at the Red Barn, free drinks are underrated!

His dislikes include Canadians, mobsters, and Johnny Two Toes.

This is Trevor.

I’m not sure if he is a pig going to slaughter or a psychotic killer.

In fact, I don’t think anyone really knows. He is good friends with the mayor, and they seem to have some sort of business arrangement.

It could be totally innocent, I don’t know. But something is definitely wrong with Trevor’s crops and the mayor isn’t doing anything to investigate.

Seems a little suspicious to me.

B Goat or B was born William and of course his family started calling him Billy and if there is one thing B hated early on in his life it was being known as Billy Goat.

You see, B is an original. He's one of a kind. He's not gonna be lumped in with all the other Billy Goats out there and by his last count there were over 46 million of them. Nope, B was gonna stand out, he was gonna be a star!

That is until his disastrous American Animal audition. Turns out that even the most charismatic goats can't sing. And when he got nervous and started eating the curtains on stage it was curtains for his singing career.

B works at the dump now. He sorts the edible trash from the non edible which is probably the easiest job in the world cause to B Goat, its all edible.

Last month while eating a diaper and working out some new rhymes he found a stash of old video tapes showing off several of the town's most prominent figures in a variety of compromising positions.

B's likes include eating, rapping, singing badly, turning other animals trash into his treasures and Molly the circus goat.

His dislikes include soggy diapers, badgers, people who recycle and being looked down on by a bunch of hoity toity perverts.

Lucy got popular in the 80's when all those strange dances were being invented. You remember, the Roger Rabbit and the Running Man? Well a slightly lesser known dance was the Doggie Paddle.

There was even a song! "You paddle, paddle, paddle, paddle, paddle your paws. Paddle, paddle, paddle, paddle, paddle your paws."

Lucy got rich overnight. Like many instant millionaires she really didn't know what to do with all the wealth. She went back to college for several years earning her Master's degrees in history, art history, art curation, biology and interpretive dance with a doctorates in finance and criminology.

She got married and then divorced. She even traveled for a couple of years. When she came back home she decided to open a museum of smells called, "The Smellatorium" where animals can come to explore various scents, both pleasurable and aweful.

Everyone (Including Lucy) just call it the Poop Museum cause its basically just a bunch of poop exhibits.

Despite being a poop museum its still massively popular, especially with the dogs. Bill the barber is there at least once a week. He goes there on days when he is stressed out, he says there is nothing that gives him a greater sense of peace than sniffing monkey poop.

There have recently been accusations that Lucy breaks into people's homes to steal their poop to exhibit in her museum to turn more profits. What the townsfolk don't know is that Lucy donates all of the profits of her Museum to help cure animals who don't have a sense of smell.

Her likes include collecting poop for her museum, smelling exotic poops, she even funded an archaeologist trip to uncover a petrified velociraptor poop which is currently the most smelled exhibit. Most visitors are surprised that it smells like shit!

Her dislikes include having to watch her old Doggie Paddle music video, being asked to dance, the 80s, and people who don't enjoy the incredible smell experience provided by her Poop Museum.

Dr. Swoon's real name is unknown, this is what local villagers call her because no one seems to be able to stand in her presence without swooning.

She is however a real doctor and completed her residency at John Hopkins University in the early 70's. When big pharma buried her cancer cure she quit her public research and became a recluse. Now, more mad scientist than doctor, she works in a large castle on projects the public suspects involve mind and bowel control.

It's not her fault everyone shits their pants when they swoon in her presence!

While the public vilifies her, she spends her time working on a cure for ergot poisoning which she suspects has caused the recent outbreaks of dance mania.

Coincidentally, the only cure has to do with intravenous application of nitroglycerin. Hence the recent explosions! Moles while faithful assistants are not too keen in the eyesight department and make occasional mistakes. It only adds to the mystery!

Dr. Swoon however believes that she can add nitroglycerin and a yet unknown catalyst to the water supply that will hopefully cure the ergot plague ravaging her town.

In the meantime the public is afraid of all the explosions coming from her castle and the whole poopy pants situation!

Dr. Swoon's likes include mystery, curing disease, relative anonymity, explosions and the peace and quiet that come with being a reclusive genius.

Her dislikes include big pharma, dancing of any kind, and people who are prone to pooping their pants when they swoon.

It had been two days since Conrad’s wife began dancing. Two days! He thought Susan might have gone completely mad. It happened without notice, as madness often does! She just stood up from her chair, dropped her knitting and began a little jig.

No one timed how long it took Conrad to notice but when he did, he wasn't too comfortable with the whole ordeal. I mean, Susan had been perfectly happy not dancing for the last 26 years, why start now? Was she having a midlife crisis? It seemed a bit late for that. Too many hours in front of that fire! That'll make any sheep go crazy.

Conrad thought he might be going crazy too when later that day while helping, Mrs. Baker find a decent gardening trowel he thought he saw Susan dancing past the shop window down the street. And he really started to question his sanity when he saw Susan dancing to a band in the middle of the street as if lost in another world.

Conrad tried to get Susan to stop but it was like she didn't hear him. He didn't know what to do, so he did what any sensible ram would do and went back to work.

It was getting home from work that troubled him. Cause Susan was still gone and he was hungry.

Conrad's likes include a good wholesome routine, a hard day's work, talking hardware and tools, and his wife Susan. Most of the time... not when she's dancing. She looks weird.

Conrad's dislikes include making his own food, having work interrupted by pretty much anything, but especially dancing, and especially when its Susan, and especially when she won't stop!

When the Brewsters started dancing a little jig outside Conrad's Hardware Store no one raised an eyebrow. In fact, Patti Jacobs even smiled a little. I mean sure, five years ago she probably would have frowned at the sight, but that was before Harry took that dreadful traveling salesman job.

You see, the Brewster's were known all over for their dance moves. After all, Maude was a dance instructor and Harry was a bit of a natural showoff. They were always dancing and people were always watching because they were truly amazing.

And then Harry got hired as a salesman for Daggat's Feed and Supply and ruined everything.

Between stress and travel Harry became more grumpy and reclusive. He would argue to Maude that he spent all week talking to people, the last thing he wanted to do on his day off was go into town and talk to more people!

Instead of seeing the couple in town dancing, they would be bickering. One evening it got so bad Bethany Boggs called the sheriff to come break them up. He ended up putting Harry in the drunk tank and driving Maude home to cool off.

Rumor has it that Maude tried to seduce Sheriff Todd that evening. Rumor also has it that Harry is fully aware of the incident and was seen purchasing a handgun for "protection" while traveling on the road. So suffice it to say, seeing the two of them dancing again was more than a pleasant surprise.

Maude's likes include dancing, teaching dance, sexy gossip and a good worm pate. Her dislikes include Rex Daggat and his stupid store, Harry's rigorous travel schedule and general lethargy and outdoor grills.

Harry's likes include showing off with his wife, making a damn good paycheck, that fancy new worm pate the Maude is always buying and connecting customers with the perfect outdoor grill and patio furniture. His dislikes include being nagged for working too hard, answering business calls on weekends and Sheriff Todd.

Milo, Monty and Max aka the Swift triplets, aka the Swifts are an elusive family rarely seen outside of Dr. Swoon’s manor. For many years the townsfolk didn’t realize they were triplets because they would only come to town individually.

Conrad wasn’t the only one who thought they were one mole with multiple personality disorder. It probably didn’t help that the moles don’t speak much and usually answer questions with grunts or nods. Trevor was the only person convinced there had to be more than one because he swore he’d see them dancing in his fields at night and would have to chase them off.

It wasn’t until they turned 21 that the town realized they were triplets when they started to spend each Friday night at the Red Barn getting absolutely hammered drunk.

Because they work for Dr. Swoon most townsfolk don’t trust them. Iris Longmare, after reading an article by Margaret Potts was convinced they have mind control powers because one Friday evening while drinking with the trio, she woke the next day in a field and had the sudden urge to bring Dr. Swoon one of her famous homemade Apple Pie’s. Her husband Chester said, “It's not mind control, you just like baking pies!” Iris had a hard time arguing his point.

Most of the animals do wonder what it is the brothers do for Dr. Swoon. I mean what on earth could a couple blind rodents offer a blind Anglerfish in the way of assistance? And all those explosions? Something doesn’t seem right.

The triplet’s likes include working for Dr. Swoon, digging tunnels, eating bugs, dancing in Trevor Pinkerton’s fields and getting drunk. Like, really drunk!

Their dislikes include going into town on supply runs, Trevor Pinkerton chasing them away from their favorite dance spot and that nosey Margaret Potts and her shoddy reporting.

Head of the Canadian Maple Syrup Empire, the Goose Mother rules with an iron feather.

Her father stole a truck of maple syrup on route to the states in one of the largest heists in history. The event netted the family a large fortune they used to build up their own supply and distribution channels that eventually grew to be the largest in the world.

When competitors began to complain that the Goose Family resembled a crime syndicate more than a business, politicians were bribed, cops were paid off and vocal opponents were silenced.

The two oldest children Frank and Francesca became the organization’s muscle and their father’s most trusted henchmen. Everyone referred to them as the Frankies. Francesca was known as the brains while Frank was the brawn. The two were nearly unstoppable until Frank was ambushed bringing a truck of maple syrup across the border.

After his death Francesca’s revenge was swift and brutal and the family ended up with control of over 90% of the world’s Maple Syrup supply and all of its distribution. Frankie is to this day the most feared animals in all of the Americas.

Frankie’s likes include good scotch, pure maple syrup (not the crap they sell to grocery stores!) power, money, and the respect that come with those things.

Her dislikes include weak animals, animals that don’t know their place and the Reynard Family who murdered her brother.

Johnny Two Toes always wanted to be a competitive swimmer. He possessed a raw natural talent for the sport and quickly became one of the highest profile competitive swimmers in the United States. Things were going swimmingly until Frank (Frankie) Goose made Johnny an offer he couldn’t refuse. Lose to Lenny Leftlegs in the final heat or sleep with the fish.

The alternative was a massive payout so Johnny lost the match and his dignity. Johnny felt used. He turned to drinking for a few years until most of his money ran out. Rather than going back to swimming he contacted Frankie Goose about working for the family.

Frankie knew Johnny had great potential, anyone with Johnny’s competitive spirit could be counted on to finish even the most difficult jobs. Johnny quickly rose among the ranks of the Goose Family becoming Frankie’s right hand man in the States.

Old resentments die hard and as Johnny rose to power he began plotting his revenge on the Goose Family. Johnny could never be directly tied to Frankie’s ambush and subsequent death but his two closest advisors Sammy and Benny disappeared and were never seen again. Johnny wouldn’t admit to his involvement in the ambush even when Francesca (the other Frankie) took his toe.

Johnny’s responsibilities with the family were reduced and he was provided with a crew loyal only to Frankie in order to keep him in line. When a large supply of Maple Syrup disappeared from behind Trevor Pinkerton’s farm Johnny acted quickly to find the culprits. No one confessed to the crime and because of this Johnny Two Toes set his aim on Dr. Swoon and his assistants.

The problem with picking on a mad scientist is they’re an unknown quantity. If the random explosions at the manor suggest anything it is that Dr. Swoon can pack some serious firepower. 

Johnny’s likes include swimming, making money, revenge, respect and having a super cool nickname.

His dislikes include geese, the Goose Family, being used and maple syrup. Freaking Maple Syrup started this whole damn mess!

It turns out Iris Longmare can get down! Like waaaaay down! Or she could before she collapsed and died of exhaustion. It was such a shame because for the first time in her life people liked Iris.

You see Iris was one of those animals who complained about everything. And I mean everything. If the school children were let out early for holiday, there was Iris complaining. When Conrad had a sale at the Hardware Shop Iris was complaining about how she’d purchased a hammer 3 months prior and wanted her money back.

She once joined Geraldine Winters for a chocolate martini at the Red Barn and complained to poor Matilda for 2 hours about how it was too sweet! When Matilda suggested she try something else Iris waved her off and continued to drink and complain.

Iris was on her way to the Mayor’s office to complain about the Mole triplets digging up her carrot patch when she suddenly felt the urge to shake her booty. Just a little bit. She just stopped there in the middle of the street and grooved ever so slightly to a tune that only she could hear.

The more she indulged herself the louder the music seemed to play and the stronger her urge to dance became. It took nearly two weeks of gyrating and bouncing before Iris collapsed. In that time her reputation grew enormously and when she finally did pass nearly the entire town showed up to her funeral. They say dance like no one is watching but in Iris’s case its a good thing they did or she would have passed away with no one caring even a little bit.

Iris’s likes included complaining, self grooming, pointing out things to people and telling children to get off her lawn. Oh and Salt, Iris loved her some freakin salt!

Her dislikes included overly positive animals, morning animals, feeling obligated to say hi to everyone who said hi to her and that super sweet chocolate martini that she just couldn’t stop drinking! (she later complained to the Mayor that she thought Matilda might be putting drugs in the drinks, I mean why else couldn’t she stop drinking it!)

When Matilda asked Iris about dating Logan, Iris said, and I quote, “Logan is worthless bitch”. Unbeknownst to Matilda, Iris had dated Logan for several months when he first showed up in town. He had a funny accent that Iris found charming and she could complain to him for hours without him trying to fix her problems or suggest that maybe - just maybe she was the problem. He just listened.

The problem was that Logan worked for Johnny Two Toes. Which really meant he worked for the Goose Mother - and Iris hated the Goose Mother. Her first love Cypress was killed during an armed robbery committed by the Goose Mother’s henchmen. And everyone knows, pinning crimes on a bunch of weasels is like drinking whiskey and expecting to stay sober.

Fortunately for Iris, Cypress had made her a beneficiary on all of his retirement accounts and his life insurance policy so Iris never had to work another day in her life. She devoted most of her time to trying to ruin the Goose Mother’s business.

When a couple of the weasels from the Goose Mother’s organization turned up trampled to death everyone knew it was Iris. But she learned a thing or two from the weasels and was never convicted.

Logan turned a blind eye. He genuinely loved that crazy horse. But it was a relationship doomed from the start like Romeo and Juliet.

Logan may only be considered muscle by most folks who know him, but before getting jaded with the scientific community Logan worked as a mycologist with a PHD in biology. Had Iris known this she may have given his warnings about the local baker’s bread more thought.

Logan’s likes include Iris, studying mold, punching annoying drunks right in the face and thinking about the meaning of life. Usually right after punching an annoying drunk right in the face!

His dislikes include stereotypes, obnoxious drunks, and seeing Iris. It just hurts his heart.

When Bobby entered Hank’s Grocery he had amnesia. And when Hank called him Boss, he just assumed that was his name rather than confess to his recent memory loss. It has been three years now and the whole town just knows him as Boss.

A little over a year ago he began working as a collections agent for the Goose Mother and quickly rose up in the ranks. Now one of the Goose Mother’s most trusted advisors, Boss is starting to remember his past life.

It all started when he went to meet Burt at the Red Barn for a drink. As he was walking in, the mole triplets were leaving, Monty and Milo carrying a nearly passed out Max. The trio simply smiled at him and said, “Hi Bobby!” and left.

Now memories of working for Dr. Swoon are coming back and the Goose Mother is worried by Boss’s revelations. The stories about witnessing moles dancing erratically and the stockpiling of nitroglycerin in particular have her reaching out to her own weapons dealers in an effort to prepare for what she believes is an inevitable confrontation.

The town has been a key location in the Maple Syrup empire for its border access and the town’s willingness to overlook suspicious activity. So what is it exactly that Dr. Swoon is doing? Can Boss’s memories be trusted? After all he does have amnesia. What other memories will surface over time?

Boss’s likes include feeling like a tough guy, collecting money from tardy borrowers and having a few henchmen follow him around like he’s a badass.

His dislikes include Johnny Two Toes, Burt who always treats him with suspicion on account of his amnesia and having amnesia. Lately he also thinks the mole triplets are a bit annoying. I mean who gets THAT drunk every week!?

Clay Woodly never aspired to become a no good cheating son of a bitch. It just sorta happened. When he said, “Till death do us part,” he meant it. At least in that moment. But when Aspen Birch kissed him at the Mayor’s Christmas party he forgot all about his vows and kissed her back.

Now keep in mind Aspen did point out the fact that they were standing under the mistletoe so most could forgive Clay forgetting a vow he made over twenty years ago to partake in a harmless holiday tradition.

What upset so many animals in town was finding Clay and Aspen holed up together in the Lazy Day motel outside of town. And even that would have eventually been forgivable had the town not spent tens of thousands of dollars and three days organizing a search party for the missing animals!

And even more unforgivable still was Christine's overdose on sleeping pills shortly after all the unpleasantness. No, Clay Woodly didn’t aspire to become a no good cheating son of a bitch but that is indeed what he became.

Clay’s likes include making enough money to play by a whole new set of rules. Having multiple girlfriends who don’t seem to mind him cheating on them regularly (though he did have to build each of them their own houses) and Whiskey. It makes the guilty feelings go away!

His dislikes include Margaret Potts who keeps writing articles about his donations to the Mayor. Animals who don’t mind their own damn business and regulations. If someone wants to buy a house with no foundation that should be their right!